Thoughts On The First Trimester

April 16, 2018

If you don’t follow me on Instagram or Twitter, you may have missed the big news… we’re having a baby! Obviously I’ve had a lot of feelings in regards to this, so I figured the blog would be as good of a place as any to talk about some of them.

This past Sunday marked the beginning of my 13th week of pregnancy, and with it, the second trimester. I haven’t talked much (read: at all) about pregnancy on the blog and haven’t done much of it on social media either.

Why? Well, a few reasons…

To be honest, I feel like the less I talk about it, the less people have to judge. If I don’t share my meals or what I’m doing (or not doing) in my free time, people can’t make snide comments or offer up unsolicited advice about my choices. Right now, the biggest accomplishment for me is just being able to eat at all. I’ve been extremely nauseous and so the fact that I’m able to have the energy or desire to eat anything is a pretty big deal. If it’s a Pop Tart or a (hot) sandwich or a burger from McDonalds, honestly I don’t care what people may have to say about it. I’ve lost ten pounds since finding out I was pregnant due to my lack of desire to eat and so eating, whatever it may be, is important. Not to mention my decisions on breastfeeding, circumcision, daycares, working full-time versus staying at home… the opinions are out there in full force and no one really needs to know how I feel about that stuff. At least not yet.

Secondly, it still doesn’t really feel real. I don’t know when that will happen, and maybe it won’t be until I actually hold the baby in my arms come October. I always wanted to be a mom, but the fact that it’s happening sooner rather than later is a little overwhelming. People keep asking me how I am or how I’m feeling. I’m honest with them. I tell them that I feel like crap or that it’s “weird” or “surreal.” That’s because it is. I haven’t had any of these super warm fuzzy feelings about anything so far, and I think that goes into the third reason why I haven’t shared much.

I feel like if I speak about it or get too excited, I’ll end up jinxing it somehow.

I’m extremely extremely lucky in that this is my first pregnancy and things seem to be going okay so far. (I won’t even begin to unpack that guilt I feel about *that*.) But I know so many friends who have had losses and I’m terrified that it will happen to me. I know if it did, I would have friends and family there to support me. But the horror stories are always in the back of my mind and a constant reminder of what could happen. A weird feeling in my stomach? Maybe something’s wrong. It’s very reminiscent of a certain character’s pregnancy experience on “This Is Us.” A reluctance to allow myself to be excited.

As soon as I found out I was pregnant, I stopped taking my anxiety medication at the recommendation of my doctor. However, without the help of that plus the crazy pregnancy hormones, I’ve been a little bit of an emotional wreck.

I’m not sure how to bring this blog post to a close, as it’s one of the most vulnerable that I’ve ever written and kind of came out in a whirlwind. Sorting through the thoughts going on in my head right now is quite a feat. But if you made it through all of this, thanks for reading!