Things I’m Afraid to Tell You

June 2, 2012

I’m a little late on this train, but a post like this has seriously been plaguing my mind for weeks now. I don’t want to pretend that I am anything that I’m not, so I’m going to be extremely honest. Feel free to ask questions about anything.

1. I don’t buy expensive things. Even as someone who dabbles in “fashion blogging”… I don’t own Jack Rogers, Tory Burch, Michael Kors, or anything of that sort. As for Lilly? I have one skirt that was given to me that I have never worn. It’s not that I don’t want to, but I have a very hard time committing to making sure big purchases like that (yes, I think $100 is a lot to pay for shoes.. sue me.) I never had lots of disposable income so I’m very careful. I feel like a lot of people just assume that others have these things and I have to admit, I’m jealous of those that do have them.

Going along with the same theme, I’ve never shopped online for clothes. I’m such a stickler for what I want. I have to try on everything. I don’t even “window” shop online because I don’t want to be tempted.

2. I want to sing. It’s always been a dream of mine to be a confident singer. I’m always singing: in the car, in the shower, everywhere. But I am terrified of letting others hear me. I used to sing as a child in church plays, but once I got to be about 12 I stopped. In high school I sang with a band in a “battle of the bands” and even joined a band for couple of weeks. After that, I stopped trying to pursue anything.

At 22, I’m still itching to perform. The thing is, I have no idea how. I don’t even know if I can sing. All I know is, it’s something that makes me so happy and I honestly believe that I have a talent. If only I had confidence…

3. I’m extremely political. When I was in college, I went back and forth trying to decide what it was that I believed in. My senior year, I helped a friend recharter the College Democrats on campus and served as the president. I have extremely strong opinions and I love talking to others about their opinions. All I ask is that people always keep an open mind and not resort to name-calling. I’ve seen that behavior on both sides and I can’t stand it.

I believe in the complete separation of church and state. I believe that marriage should not be limited to only a man and a woman. I believe in the freedom of a woman to choose what goes on with her body. I believe that education is one of the most important things that we can invest in as a society. I believe in affordable health care for all. I believe in lowering the defense budget. I support strict gun control and do not believe in the death penalty. I support the President. I have reasons for each of those beliefs and I’d love to share them with you, if you’re interested.

I’ve been so afraid to admit that I’m liberal because I see so many bloggers who proudly display cute little pink and green GOP elephants or tweet about “dirty liberals” or their opinions about our president that I’ve been afraid that I would be judged. Hopefully you all won’t judge me when you learn this fact.

4. When Nick and I began dating, I was dating someone else. I’ve heard so many people say “once a cheater, always a cheater” and I can’t say that I disagree. However, there’s a deeper story behind it.

I met Nick in March of 2007, my senior year of high school, at a conference for Model UN. The moment I heard him speak on the microphone, I was immediately drawn to him. He made hilarious little jokes, references to Lord of the Rings that I knew probably no one else understood, and had the most gorgeous beard in the entire world.

After one of the students from my school caused a little ruckus in the committee, I went up to apologize for his behavior to Nick, who was presiding. I introduced myself, stuttering over my words talking to this gorgeous college guy. Later that day, we had a little run-in that involved him accidentally hitting me with a door. After spending the whole day listening to him talk and watching the way he captivated the room, I told a friend back in our hotel room, “one day, I’m gonna marry that guy.”

I left the conference so sad because I knew that I would likely never see this guy again. I made a promise to myself that if I ever had the opportunity to date
him, that I would take it. I honestly didn’t think that would ever
happen. In April, I began dating a friend back at my high school. But honestly I couldn’t stop thinking about the guy from the conference, whose name I couldn’t remember.

A year later, I enrolled in the class that runs the conference. A friend and I walked to class together and I told her about the cute guy that I had met the year before. Lo and behold… he was there. I couldn’t believe it. But after coming to college, I had gained some confidence so I went to re-introduce myself to him after class. To my surprise, he actually remembered me! I couldn’t stop smiling. He invited to me to go out to dinner with the class, a tradition they had every week. I couldn’t attend because I had a sorority function that I had to go to, but I promised him that I’d go the next week..

A few weeks later, and I finally accepted his invitation to join the class… on Valentine’s Day (it was honestly a coincidence.) I watched the way he walked up and down the table, talking to each person and cracking jokes. I admitted to a few of the girls at the table that when I met him last year, I’d developed a bit of a crush on him. They told me, “join the club.” Apparently he didn’t ever date, despite having a small group of girls crushing on him. It wasn’t like I could do anything anyway, as I had a boyfriend. When I got back to my dorm room, a sorority sister of mine helped me find him on Facebook and I added him. I posted on his wall, and he posted on mine. Nothing too special.

A week later, I got an IM from him. (Yes, we used AIM way back in 2008.) We talked for three hours, ending with me agreeing to have dinner with him. (and yes, that was my first “mistake.”) I did, and it was the worst first date ever. I texted the entire time and he couldn’t stop coughing.

Despite this fact, for some reason he asked me to hang out again. I saw him every night after his internship. He knew full and well that I had a boyfriend, but I was falling fast and hard for Nick. There was nothing I could do. I wanted to break up with this guy, but just couldn’t because I didn’t want to break his heart. I didn’t want to feel the guilt that came with breaking up with someone.

After one night of crying and talking with Nick, I finally accepted the fact that I had to just do it. I broke up with my boyfriend of almost a year for Nick. I’m not going to lie, I feel guilty about it to this day, especially after finding out how much it hurt him. But even though I didn’t go about it the right way, I know that it was what I needed to do.

Nick and I have been together for over four years and I can’t imagine my life without him. I hate that I had to hurt someone in the process of finding my soul mate, but I hope that after all of these years that all is okay. I hope this doesn’t make me a bad person in your eyes, but I know that it was the right thing in the end.

What are you afraid to admit?

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