That Time I Told You About My Fears

May 7, 2013

The question, “what are you afraid of?” is a very loaded one for me. I’ve been a scaredy cat almost my entire life. Like lots of other people, I’m afraid of (some) heights. I’m afraid of the dark. I hate absolute silence. I don’t watch scary movies. (Heck, I still haven’t seen E.T. because of a night terror that I had when I was in elementary school.)

I’m afraid of getting in trouble. I almost never do
anything “against the rules.” When I was under 21, I never went to
parties or drank alcohol. I’ve never done drugs. I’ve always been super
paranoid.

When I started to get a little older, I started to develop anxiety. It was triggered by conversations on mortality, so you could say that’s definitely something that I’m afraid of. I have very vivid memories of me shaking and crying as a young teenager, just saying over and over “I don’t want to die.” My mom and dad would sit there with me and just hold me until it was over.

But there is one thing in the world that I’m most afraid of. Ever since I was little, I have loved singing. It’s been such a passion of mine for so long. I’ve considered so many times going to try out for singing competitions, but I’m absolutely terrified. Take karaoke for example. People have an absolute blast doing it. I, on the other hand, cannot do it. I take it too seriously, can’t have fun, and just imagine everyone in the room critiquing me. In my car, I’ll belt it out. When I’m alone at home, I’ll dance and sing. But ask me to sing? I’ll clam up and start to shake. I’m too self conscious. But one day, I’ll overcome the fear. I’ll do it again.

 2007, right before the only time I’ve ever sang in public since developing my fear.

What are you afraid of?



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